unfinished

Ideas that trail off. Feelings that don’t land anywhere specific. Sentences that don’t wrap themselves up neatly. There’s something honest about letting them exist without forcing a conclusion.

Not everything needs clarity straight away.
Not every thought needs to be refined into something shareable or digestible.

Some things are allowed to remain in progress.

And maybe that’s where they feel most true.

5 years

5 years.

Half a decade of living with a brain disease.
It still feels strange to say that out loud.

I’ve been sitting with this milestone for a few days now, unsure how to mark it, unsure what to say, unsure if I even want to say anything at all. But here it is: ten years of navigating life with something invisible, unpredictable, and, at times, deeply overwhelming.

I won’t pretend it’s been easy. There have been moments that have floored me, days when getting out of bed felt like a marathon, when my words wouldn’t come, when my mind felt like it was wading through fog. But I’ve shown up.

I think that’s what I’m proudest of.

People often talk about resilience like it’s this loud, heroic thing. But for me, it’s been quiet. Private. A series of small, daily choices to keep going. To keep trusting myself. To keep adapting, even when my body and brain were telling me otherwise.

And yet, I’d be lying if I said I don’t still carry fear.
Fear of what’s next. Fear of what I might lose. Fear that the strength I’ve built could unravel if things shift again. Because they do shift. That’s the nature of this. You never really get to relax into certainty.

But maybe that’s also where the pride comes in. That even in the face of that uncertainty, I’ve built a life I care about. A life I’m proud of. A life with purpose, laughter, and love in it.

Five years ago, I didn’t know what the future would look like, and I still don’t. But I’ve come to accept that uncertainty can sit alongside pride. Alongside hope. Alongside growth.

So here’s to half a decade of living with something hard, and not letting it define me entirely.
Here’s to listening to my body, trusting my instincts, and still believing in what’s possible.
And here’s to anyone walking a similar path, you’re not alone. You’re doing more than you know.

Thanks for reading. 💙

Prioritise Yourself

Sometimes we have to let people go. Their intentions may not be how they were when they first come into your life but life is too short to be weighing yourself down with negative energy. You have to make your wellbeing a priority, whether that means loving someone from a distance or removing yourself from a situation, you have every right to leave and create a safer place for yourself.

If it isn’t nourishing your mind, body, or soul, get rid of it.

You Know When It's About To Hit

You know when its about to hit.

The bubble of acidity brews in your gut, slowly rises, then stops, BANG in your oesophagus. Your lungs constrict. Your breath shortens. Your hands begin to shake. You have pins and needles across your entire body. You can't think. You can't focus. You feel like you can't breathe. You think "whats wrong with me".

The answer: everything and nothing at the same time.

Anxiety began to become a factor in my life from a very young age, but it wasn't until I was diagnosed with a brain disease at 15 years old that it began to take a big hit. I remember going to the hospital and asking a doctor that I "might need to see a psychologist" and all I could think about was how humiliating it must be for someone who aspired to work in a mental health sector to seek professional help, how embarrassing it would be if one of my friends at school found out. Its honestly horrible being ashamed of something that is out of your control, not being able to control your own feelings.

The pains that come along with anxiety are extremely frustrating as sometimes its not real pain that you could be experiencing but one that you've imagined yourself. Take a couple of weeks ago as an example, I assumed I had developed double vision and lay in my bed for almost two weeks in the fear that I had something seriously wrong with me when in actual fact, I was focusing too hard on objects and thus IMAGINING having double vision, it was all in my head. You see, anxiety makes you do crazy, irrational things, you know there's nothing wrong with you but you'll try and convince yourself that something's not right and when that problem seems to have disappeared, you'll sit around waiting for your next problem to arise. 

If you've got this far, you'd probably think why I'm writing this. Well honestly I truly don't know myself. Perhaps its about letting all of the frustration go as I sit in my living room in the dark after experiencing a panic attack at 4am courtesy of this "invisible monster". Perhaps it's because I feel heaps better once I tell someone how i'm feeling.

It is more important than ever, especially in this day an age that we are able to speak out and openly about what we're going through. It's 2017, there's no reason for people to feel ashamed of their feelings.