For as long as I can remember, I've never been a confident person. one of my biggest fears used to be being in large groups of people, standing by myself, perhaps just people in general really. Alcohol helped me with this on nights out. Alcohol helped me forget my awkwardness and not-belongingness and it helped me talk to and be with people.
Drunk me didn't have to worry if I was talking to someone I hadn't met before. Drunk me didn't worry if she belonged or said the right thing. drunk me had handled that.
In february last year, I made the decision to become teetotal until my 21st birthday. I just wanted to work on myself and my confidence. Once I was sober, I had zero choice but to be me in situations that I would have alcohol as a backup to give me a little confidence boost. There was no hiding behind a vodka lemonade, just the chance to be myself.
Whilst choosing not to drink for a whole year was one of the best things I've ever done, it was also quite challenging. We live in a society where most everyone around us drinks. It is seen as normal to drink and abstaining from that felt like I was going against a social norm.
Becoming sober for the year was so much more than having a break from drinking. It was a subversive decision to take my life into my own hands. An invitation to stop playing small and the opportunity to be my own real self.
