so, when are you getting married

 A love letter to South Asian girls who are tired of the question

It’s the question that follows you everywhere once you hit a certain age as a South Asian girl.

You hear it when long-distance relatives visit, usually before they’ve even asked how you are.
You hear it at garba, when you’re literally there to celebrate God!!!!, music, and community.
You hear it at the mandir, of all places, where the focus is meant to be faith!!!! not your marital timeline.

And somehow, no matter the setting, it always finds you.

“When are you getting married?”

Sometimes it’s asked with curiosity.
Sometimes with concern.
Sometimes with judgement disguised as humour.
And sometimes as if it’s the most important milestone you could possibly reach.

I understand that for some people, the question feels natural. Especially when you’ve been in a relationship for years. Especially when marriage has been the ultimate marker of stability, respect, and “settling down” in our communities.

But here’s the part that rarely gets said out loud.

I’m not waiting because I don’t love my partner.
I’m waiting because I love myself too.

I’m waiting until I’m old enough, strong enough, and secure enough that people stop walking all over me. Until decisions about my life aren’t made through pressure, guilt, or obligation. Until I can have the wedding I actually dream about.

An intimate wedding.
Filled with people who are genuinely close to me.
Not people invited simply because we a lineage.

I want a day that reflects love, not politics.

Yes, I’ve been in a relationship for five years. And yes, I love him deeply. But I also want more from life than being his wife (sorry mosh I do love you), and I know he wants that too.

I want space to grow.
To build.
To explore who I am beyond a role that society is eager to assign me.

So no, I’m not delaying marriage because something is wrong.
I’m not waiting because I’m unsure about love.
I’m waiting because I refuse to be pushed into something I’m not ready for.

In our culture, marriage often feels like a finish line. As if once you cross it, everything else somehow makes sense. But life is not a race, and marriage is not a reward for endurance.

It’s a choice. A huge one.

And it deserves intention, not pressure.

So how do you say it kindly, without offending, without explaining your entire life story?

Sometimes it’s a smile and, “eeeeewwww.”
Sometimes it’s, “I’m literally just a girl.”
And sometimes, it’s simply changing the subject.

You don’t owe anyone your timeline.
You don’t owe anyone your reasons.
And you definitely don’t owe anyone a version of your life that makes them more comfortable.

I’ll get married when it feels like a celebration, not when people want a party (that I will be paying for!!)
When it feels like a partnership, not a performance (for others to judge how well myself and my partner are together!).
And when it feels like my choice.

Until then, I’m living.

btw we have already made our guest list and we are going to piss a lot of people off wooops x